Artist Biography
A Year into the Unknown
As we saw covid take over the world it was as if time stopped. For the first time the pace of life stepped back. The feeling of a crumbling world was real, but the opportunity to create was never stronger. The summer reinforced expression, soul, and the passion for living. Winter was something else. Winter came as a forced attempt to return to reality. A reality of restriction, separation and depression. Minutes felt like hours but eternal thought was running. It was like a never ending tunnel full of all of life’s memories just flashing and aluminizing the car you can’t get out of. It was in this which the melancholic Film 1 was produced. Life is a wave length of ups and downs. Somehow in the midsts of the darkness fate lead me to the most unexpected, love. The irony in this is beyond comprehension. Stuck in what felt like purgatory a girl brought me to the light. In a time of reflection she bridged the present from the past, unconsciously fueling the start of a new beginning. As homage to her impact Film 2 was created.
The largest contributors to the creation of “A Year into the unknown” is time and reflection. All aspects of life were considered. It was a matter of connecting the emotions of the present to the past. As a free form creator, work is produced through relying on life to provoke and inspire the direction the art moves in. The impact school had on my life extended beyond the start of the pandemic. Growing up looking in on society, feeling separated from society, the world was left open to all the possibilities, unbiased to anything but my own desire to fulfill my passions. Thinking different and being different was a personal default. The silver lining is that I thrive in the unconventional. The problem is that in society, success and growing up is all about rules, objectives, lessons and due date, that all function in unity. Like a square peg in a round hole, resistance is of my nature. Passion, interest, and engagement has always been there and yet it was never reflected on paper. Film 3 explores this concept. It’s a matter of justifying myself and explaining, the misunderstood. Everyone is different, this is just my story.
Thesis Abstract
This project was made over the span of 4 months, yet ultimately reflects the last 18 years. As I began brainstorming about my thesis topic, I found myself in a very dark place. We were in a pandemic and I felt lost and uninspired. It was in this very place, that I finally realized I had to create something stemming from what I felt. I couldn’t organize my thoughts and the only way I knew how to figure it out was simply to start creating. I began diving into my archival footage and photographs and I immediately realized something. I felt lost because I was longing for the life that made me feel alive. At the time, I felt trapped and imprisoned in my dorm and my mind. I’ve always been a bit of an introvert, but this was different. I didn’t have any control over my own life and imposed structure was something I always resisted.
One day I found myself in my room playing darts alone, nearly in tears, and in this moment I knew exactly what I had to do. I needed to capture this moment, I couldn’t recreate it. I needed to do it right then and there. At the time I didn’t realize filming myself playing darts would contrast perfectly with the sequence I made with all my archival footage, but it did. Contrasting these dark feelings with footage from the past 10 years expressed exactly what was driving me insane. My brain was begging for something more. It was at this time I realized my thesis wouldn’t be a single concept that I could create but rather a project that would evolve over the span of the semester. A video that would be made through what life provoked. It was scary in the same way life is scary. You never know what is going to happen and between each film I didn’t know what I would create next. Yet at the same time it was nothing I wasn’t used to. Art-making for me has always been left to one moment in which something would cause me to have a eureka moment. I’ve always waited for life to inspire me and when it does, the process becomes effortless. Over the span of the process, there was a lot I wasn’t sure about and because of this, I would just focus on what I was sure about. For example, I didn’t know how I’d finish the section about Hannah, but I knew I wanted Polaroids in it, so I just started scanning. After implementing those scans, the answer as to where to go next – just happen. I found that while I am working, it’s very similar to improv. I just allow myself to create and in that process the answers I need, just happen.
In the overview of this thesis, my evolution becomes very clear. While making the first part of the video, I was mad and resentful. I thought my entire thesis would be about exposing what was making me feel this way and who I could blame for it. I found it’s harder to stay angry, than it is to move on so. I realized I didn’t want to be angry anymore, at which point Hannah became a meaning part of my life. Everything changed. I no longer wanted to direct my anger into my work, but rather make something that showed how I overcame it. The irony with Hannah, was that everyone was so isolated and yet we somehow found one another and filled the void. Once Hannah’s video was complete, I recognized the more important things in life and my energy was redirected into something beloved. I wasn’t angry or sad anymore.
I realized I wanted to make the end of the video about school, but I wasn’t sure how. I could talk about the difficulties of the pandemic, but I realized that was just too broad. It really wasn’t about the pandemic, it was about who I was as a student in general. The pandemic was just another one of the countless challenges I have faced in my education. One I had to get past and somehow overcome. From this realization every thought that had been spinning in my mind stood still and I could see clearly. It is senior year and it was like my brain concluded everything it had thought about school, for the past 18 years. In this I realized I needed to make something that acknowledged my school experience, yet would express everything that makes me proud of who I am. I realized grades don’t justify my ability, so I took it upon myself to present my abilities and let the world decide for themselves.
Overall this project was really a process of soul searching through my final semester of college. It was a process of expressing emotions based on what I was going through, which concluded with me finding peace within myself. The project functions to me as a time capsule as well as a conclusion to my academic career. Like a conclusion in an essay, this video touches everything I’ve done over that past 10 years and it closes it. I can now feel the turning of a new chapter of my life and I finally feel at peace, to let go of the demons of my past.